3/5/15

The gun box.



Joke #1 - An Alaskan tax refund.

Joke #2 - Area man shoots self 206 times while cleaning guns. Cause of death to be determined.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]



3/4/15

Tyresoles - Whither, retreads?

Today we bring you a public service announcement from England, where you can rely on a baby to alert you to critical automotive maintenance events. Good to know!



So, Tyresoles are understood as what we call "retreads", once you finish stumbling past the British spelling of "tire". "What's a retread?" you ask? Usually, it's when a shitty movie is made from a previously made property, to show you how hard it is for Hollywood dipshits to make something original, or something that you don't watch with your face cradled in your hands. See the Underdog movie, the Thunderbirds movie, the Inspector Gadget movie, the Tim Burton Planet of the Apes movie, or the Matthew Broderick Godzilla movie. Note that by "see" I mean "see as an example". By no means should you see any of those movies unless you have two robot pals to help you make jokes.

A retreaded tire (or "tyre") first requires (or "reyqoyires") inspection by a certified tyre baby. The baby will check the tyre (or "toiyrire") for any remaining tread. Having verified that the toiyrire is indeed bald as his/her baby-bottom, your toiyrire baby will then check to see that the toiyrire (or "taiyroree") is suitable for repair. He or she will check the taiyroree carcass for holes, gaps, apertures, passthroughs, tears, gashes, slits, nails, tacks, safety pis, railroad spikes, daggers, scimitars, poleaxes, glaives, shiruken, wakizashis, and, if you live in England, kippers. The taiyroree baby will then remove the taiyroree from the car, and put it in his/her van, to be taken to the Taiyroree Treatment Facility where it will have a new tread strip glued onto it. Yes, really. Glued.

"How can this be safe? Is it as good as a new taiyroree? Are you trying to kill me?" you ask? Apparently, it's completely safe, and no, not really trying to kill you. Taiyroree (or "tchoiyrrr") retreading is routine for fleet and delivery trucks. Tchoiyrrrs are frikkin expensive, and a retread is much cheaper. This spring, I'm looking at replacing the tchoiyrrrs on the GO-mobile, and it's going to hurt. Why can't I get retreads for my car? Word is that a retread is 80% cheaper than a new tchoiyrrr, if you believe Wikipedia.

So, double-you tee eff? You never hear about people putting retreads on passenger vehicles any more. The P.A.G. Research and Googling Team found this admittedly anecdotal article explaining why not...

Jeff Yurasits of Joe's Battery & Tire in Allentown, a 29-year veteran of the business, said Joe's probably hasn't sold a retreaded passenger tire in the last 10 or 15 years. "They pretty much were priced out of the market," he said, as new-tire prices declined, narrowing the price differential. Low-cost new tires from overseas were a factor in that process, according to the retread tire industry. 
In addition to the narrowed price differential (caused in part by the advent of low-cost imports of new tires), the multitude of passenger-tire sizes made it difficult for retreaders to keep pace, Stevens said. Truck-tire sizes vary far less.

Aaaaah, that makes sense. Too many different sizes and tread patterns to manufacture. Bummer. I would definitely have considered remanufactured tchoiyrrres for my car.

Anyway, here's a surprisingly interesting video on how retreading is done. The video is hosted by the tallest baby I've ever seen, but he seems to know his stuff. Isn't he a good boy? Yes he is! Yess he iss! Isn't he a goody woody widdle boyyy?





3/3/15

Western Pine Association - Laundry lady.

The Western Pine Association of 1962 wants you to use beautyous, fast-growing, delicious pine for all your D.I.Y. projects. Maybe you didn't know there's more than one kind of pine? Oh my yes. There's the Idaho White Pine, Ponderosa Pine, Engelmann Spruce, Red Cedar, and of course, No. 5... The Larch.

Check out that cool illustration of the crazy looking woman with no feet and burnt matchstick arms. Very Sixties, baby. How bout we pull her out of her ad and add her to the clip art collection?

She's a PNG, so she's got all kinds of alpha. You can put her anywhere. You're welcome.  She'd make a decent album cover. See?







j


3/2/15

Polaroid Day Glasses - Where the sun oughtn't shine.

The Forties were a great era for ads. Wordy, super-square illustrations, and meticulous grammar. It's not always immediately clear what they're selling, though. Today, the P. A. G! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade let their confusion lead them down a rather jokey path. Please enjoy.






2/27/15

Better Science Through Living.

Walkie-Talkies built from kit, $12.95. Manufacturer is also developing model featuring
quarter-mile range thanks to high-gain quarter-mile antenna.

Also available: pistol that fires continuously unless trigger is held down.

No joke necessary.




2/26/15

Sanka - Coffee with quotation fingers.

Hah! remember Sanka? Sanka does. Apparently they're still around, poor things. In that last sentence, I would have made the words "still around" a link to Sanka's website, but holy smokes, they don't seem to have one! Ladies and gentlemen, we have found the only multicellular life form on the planet that doesn't have a branded presence on the web. Wowzers! The first three links in a Google search on "sanka" are Wikipedia, Amazon, and Amazon.

Why such a big cup? Because it's 97% caffeine free and this is what you'd need to get going. Wooo!

Here's a Sanka commercial from 1959, the year this ad ran in Life Magazine. Is "flavorsome" a word? I'm doutious it is. And when did we add the extra "E" to the end of "caffein"? Collins Dictionary says it's from the german word "kaffein", which is from their other word "kaffee". Dictionary.com says "also 'caffein'". BORR-IIING! Which means it's probably the whole story.



And here's one from The Seventies with a chorus of excited people singing how great it is to be the third largest coffee in America. No kidding. You'd think it would sound better to say you're "the leading decaffeinated coffee in America" than "the third largest coffee in America", right? I guess The Seventies weren't about achievement, were they?






2/25/15

Gun bed.



Joke #1 -  "I asked for a seven THIRTY wake up call!"

Joke #2 - "Wait a second. One of you guys has your hands in the air like you DO care!"

Joke #3 - "Freeze! The both of you mugs! Now make like you're trapped in a glass box or I let you have it."

Joke #4 - "Okay, hand over all your sheep. Nice and slow. One at a time."

Joke #5 - "You. Get in, and don't make any sudden moves. Then, make a bunch of sudden moves, and then make no sudden moves again, then make some sudden moves, then no sudden moves, then some sudden moves, and then get lost in my eyes."

Joke #6 -"All units be on the lookout for white male, age twenty-eight to thirty-two, brown hair, medium build. Last seen in a twin size bed with blue sheets. He is believed to be armed and sleepy."

Joke #7 - "Excuse me son, do you know why I pulled you over? Whoa! Take it easy. Let's not do anything rash."

Joke #8 - "Don't be crazy, Jake. You'll never get away with it. Have you seen those new beds the cops have? They're fast, I tell ya."


Never one to miss an opportunity for butt jokes, Mr. FancyProctologyPants_2 sent us Joke #9. he does not disappoint. Thanks, MFPP2! - " Male nurse or not Doc, did you see the size of his fingers??? Ain't no way he's goin' near my hiney!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]