5/27/16

Doctor lessons.


 Joke #1 - "So, as you may have surmised from the distinct odor, abdominal distention and overall pallor, the patient not only cannot be helped, but also represents a total waste of our time, is a stupid jerkwad, and probably won't live out the week. Please take note as I gently break the news in such a way as not to upset him."

Joke #2 - In landmark fourteen-hour procedure, with the combined skills of six surgeons, man undergoes world's first Total Excision of All Monies. Three months later, the treatment was deemed a success when he was re-examined and found to still be completely money-free.

Joke #3 - Patient requires six doctors to explain to him why he cannot afford the services of any of them.

Joke #4 - "This patient's volume desperately needs up-pumping. Doctor Christian Slater, I believe you have some expertise in this area?"

Joke #5 - "Hm. The patient seems to suffer from 'manic almond joyosis'. It is my professional opinion that, sometimes, this man feels like a nut.  By way of contrast, let us examine a Mounds, which don't."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


5/26/16

5/25/16

Love & Romance Comics, Nov. 1973 - "Not His Type".

The Phil Are GO! Rummage Sale and Antique Store Assault Squad returned from a mission over the weekend, having suffered the loss of half their team, but it was worth it. Those brave grenadiers will not have died in vain, because we can now bring you this sizzling hot issue of Love & Fucking People Over Love & Romance from 1973. There are three smoking tepid stories in this comic, but just like always, they put the burning moist cover story way in the back, to make sure you read the whole thing.

It's the positively throbbing story of a young Tommy James on a doctor-ordered solo vacation in Hawaii, without any of The Shondells to cramp his style. Sure, he's under the assumed name of Jonathan Dolman, a mild-mannered accountant whose whole life seemed to be planned out for him. He was the perfect target for a brazen hussy and her partially weaponized black bikini! What mayhap? Don't not read this flaming limp tale of infidelity and secretly being Tommy James! We now present for you the entire seven-page account of one milquetoast undercover Tommy James, and temptress Gina Shaw's diabolical plot to milk his toast! Read - Yes, read! - with your very own eyeballs "Not His Type"!

[Plot analysis and Graphic Gifts posted after the comic.]

Cleverly disguised! Could this scorchingly turgid story be the inspiration for Tommy's much-covered-by-wedding-bands hit "Mony Mony"?














So there you have it. The lesson is this: If you're an undercover Tommy James who flies to Hawaii with the sole purpose of writing postcards while wearing a ski sweater, you will definitely have a determined, horny blonde climb into your pants, forcing you to dump your girlfriend over the phone. And thereby will you find lasting happiness, and you will definitely not instantly leave that woman for the next woman who shows you her bikini.

The other lesson is that if you're a determined, horny blonde and you wear a swimsuit, the most mild-mannered Tommy James will absolutely betray his girlfriend to nail you. Also, you will be happy forever, because he will never dump you just because a different woman puts on a bathing suit. Ever.

This comic book is rich in copyrighted useful graphics! Please enjoy these 1000 px square avatars of Tommy and Gina, for use in whatever chat forum service application board you kids tend to use these days. You're welcome!

Also enjoy the prancing lady who may or may not be fleeing from a giant heart. You're still welcome!

Click for 1000 px.

Click for 1000 px.

Click for 1200 px.



5/19/16

Know Your Orchestra - Saxobone Majorette



Original image found at shorpy.com. We hope they don't mind.

5/16/16

Day's Sportswear - Why so serious, Kerchief Man?

Aah, 1969. It was a simpler time when a man could wear a brightly colored kerchief around his neck and, at the same time, could squint into the middle distance in a hairily manly way and no one would wonder whether he was Living His Truth, or Being So Brave.

According to Day's Sportswear, you could "change your image in only 5 days." How? By wearing clothes of mostly the same color that, for all the world, look like Garanimals.

"Wait. What are Garanimals?" you say? Garanimals were are clothes that kids could pick out and match up themselves, based on what cartoon character is on the tag. This also works splendidly for clueless adults... who happen to be thirty inches tall. So, there's a problem right there, unless your Tyrion Lannister.


Enter Day's Sportswear! By buying five outfits that are all blue and yellow, you could "change your image". Well, they definitely weren't lying. Nuff said.

Since this ad ran in Esquire magazine (the journal of the financially carefree, romantically whimsical and probably virulent), Day's Sportswear knew how to sell the lifestyle of the furry gent who wore only two colors. Check it out. The legend indicates where you need to wear each plaid. Kerchief Man is dressed for "lazy days", but not so lazy that he would forget to accessorize his look with a coordinated neck napkin. You never know when someone will lazily offer you some saucy ribs, and you wouldn't want to get red on your nice yellow pants. He looks super serious, doesn't he? "Don't make fun of my special napkin." he warns us.

Anyway, despite looking like he means business, the rest of the week for the blue and yellow man consists of "villa", "casino" (which we can assume requires a leisure suit with the blue and yellow plaid of square #3), "harbor lights", and "oasis". Oasis? Maybe Kerchief Man likes to hang out in highway rest stops? - which is fine, so long as he doesn't take his wide stance all the way to his office as a Senator of Idaho. It could be bad for the career.

So, a full week for Kerchief Man consists of lazy, villa, casino, harbor lights, and oasis. Shew! Busy busy! By the time Saturday rolls around, Mister Kerchief needs some rest form all that doing-not-much-of-anything. Hey, maybe he's a senator after all?

This leisurely fella still has lots of work to do! Your hard drive has a Senator Kerchief-shaped hole that we're about to fill. Let Mister K add some seriousness to nearly any graphic. Wedding invitations. Yacht-themed divorce parties. Some kind of mitsvah.

Here he is as a PNG with a transparent alpha channel. Also, you know what? You deserve a 1000 x 1000 avatar of him, too, cropped all special to fit in his unforgettable kerchief. Everyone on whatever social media thing you use is going to know you're a person of super serioius leisure, for sure. So much the graphic gifts! How do we do it? I dunno, but you're welcome!

Click for full size.

Click for full size.

Click for full size.


5/13/16

Ultimatum in 2050 A.D.

Well, the Phil Are GO! Antique Store and Garage Sale Assault Squad suffered terrible losses to bring to you this Ace Doubles science fiction pulp book, Ultimatum in 2050 A.D. You'd better appreciate their sacrifice.

Click for 1600 px.
Ace doubles were a series of "two in one" books, where the books were sandwiched together to save on printing costs. So, the books have no backs. Both sides of the book are covers. This says something about the target audience for the novel, as well as the liquidity of the readers' assets. The 1965 Ace double Ultimatum in 2050 A.D. was backed with Our Man in Space, which we'll feature in some later post. Hold your horses. Sheesh.

Anyway, these books are valued for their cool/corny cover art. Some people say you could open one up and "read" the "words" inside them, but there's almost no way to verify this. It's probably just a rumor.

Pulps typically have brilliant cover art that is delightfully reuseable as a poster for your band, or a flyer for your church rummage sale. In case you're having trouble knowing when you're looking at a pulp novel, there are a few red flags to know that you've got ahold of a real gem...

1. For starters, ask yourself if the book has another book stuck to its backside. Very few Pulitzer prize winners' first runs were duplexed with another novel in the genre. You won't find a copy of Wuthering Heights backed with She Killed... and Loved It, for example.

2. Does the title seem very excited about the time period? Consider the title of the classic Warner Brothers cartoon Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a Half Century. If a large part of the author's excitement for writing the book stems from the fact that it's in a particular period in time, he or she may not be a volcano of compelling ideas. Confidential Detective in 10,000 B.C., for example, is not a real book, but if it were, one may have reason to doubt the maturity of the story. It's also worth noting that I would absolutely read the hell our of Confidential Detective in 10,000 B.C.. It would also have an amazing cover painting, I promise you that.

Ultimatum in 2050 A.D. ticks both of those boxes with a sharpie the size of your leg. Done and done. Good work, Phil Are GO! Antique Store and Garage Sale Assault Squad! Your men will not have died in vain.

Now it's time for the P.A.G! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade to make this cover painting slightly more "repurposeable", which isn't a word. Get in here, stat! I need you to do a standard text wipe on this here book cover. Get on it.

Does your phone need a new wallpaper? Does your cookout need a flyer? We've got you covered. Please enjoy a slightly blanker version of this book cover, for your amusement. If Jack Sharkey or some domey-looking robo-aliens show up at your door asking what's up with your copyright infringing ass, I don't know you. You're on your own, miscreant. You're welcome!!!

Here is a serving suggestion for this painting. What will you do with it? The world may never know.




Click for 1600 px.