4/29/16

Easy Food Hats


4/28/16

Lionel Union Pacific Streamline - Neither skimpy, nor dinky (sic).

In 1934, if you could afford to buy your kid an electric train set, you were doing pret-ty well, sir. It was a year of decent economic recovery after the Great Depression, but it was still a time when a super cool train set was very much a luxury item... just ask ten year old Alec Baldwin!

No, not really. For starters, if this kid were Alec, he'd be about eighty years old now. But this kid sure does look like him. Regardless of this boy's chronological age, in this photo, he's becoming a man. How? He's having his first train boner. Look at him, man. And well might he. Any kid could be expected to have a bit of premature masculation when being given a badass tran set like this one. And Alec's dad would have a little boner of his own if he knew what the thing would be worth, just half a century later.


Of course, this Lionel Union-Pacific Streamliner is a brand-new, never-played-with example, and the kind of kids that never open their toys in the hope of auctioning them off in fifty years are A) virtually nonexistent and B) when they do exist, they're probably freakazoids.

Not our little Alec, though. you can tell by the look on his face that he's definitely going to play with his train.

Little Alec has more work to do. What kind of work? That's up to you, because we've made him into a Graphic Gift. He's dot patterned.  He's got an alpha background. He's got the energy. He's come all the way from 1934 to find a home on whatever poster, email or graphic you think needs some enthusiasm. Give a big hand to Train Boner Alec! More importantly, let's give him a place on your hard drive. You're welcome!

Click for 10000 px.
What? You want more? Fine. Here's Train Boner Alec as a 1000 px avatar, to be used as your avatar on your chat platform of choice. Happy now? You're still welcome!

Click for 1000 px.



4/27/16

The Cowboy Interruption.


Joke #1 - "Brad, table four has sent back their cheesy fries for the second time. Permission to blow a snot rocket in the their entree?"

Joke #2 - Brad's next sentence was interrupted by the sound of the door being thrown open. He whirled around in his chair and his face went white. It was Bone Dry Bud, The Man Without a Fly, and some say the orneriest buckaroo to never moisten a urinal cake.

Joke #3 - "Aha! I might have guessed! How could you, Brad?... and with Mr. Lincoln, no less! You knew he was on my 'celebrity free pass list'."

Joke #4 - "No no no. False alarm, Troy. I said 'I didn't expect a kind of Amish Exhibition'. Go back to work."

Joke #5 - "Nope. Those make your thighs look big, too. Try the culottes your sister sent you."

Joke #6 - "Sorry to interrupt, sir, but there's some rootin' goin' on. Some say there's some tootin', as well."

Joke #7 - "Sir, we need to order some real cards. The boys are tired of playin' Uno."

Joke #8 - "Sir, can I just work in the dish room for the rest of the night? The guys are makin' fun of my camel toe again. "

Joke #9 - "Brad, I think we need to cut off table three. They want me to play Frozen again, and the other customers are starting to complain."

Mat Black was the first to rustle up a mess of joke #10. Thanks, Mat! -  "I'm the only hombre 'round these parts that can pull off the white shirt, vest and snap tie! GO CHANGE!"

Not far behind was MisterFancyButtonDowntheBackPants_2, with joke #11. nice shootin' Tex. "'Scuse the interruption Brad, but do I 'saunter in', or 'sashay in'?" "Carl says I 'sashay in' like a two-bit parlor floosie and I don't reckon I'm likin' the way that stinkin' bitch is runnin his mouth...and OH - MY - GAWD!!, is that my copy of '50 Shades' yer givin' to Mister Lincoln?!?!..."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

Bonus punishment: You've probably done something bad this week. Teach yourself a lesson by listening to Cowboy Song, improvised by BlueWank. It takes a while to get going, and unfortunately takes a while to get stopping. Sorry, not sorry.



4/26/16

Squire Slacks - Ignoring is bliss.

Aaah, 1969. A magical year between the Swinging Sixties and the Mouth-Breathing High School Dropout Seventies. In this ad, we find a Freddie Mercury-Christopher Reeves lovechild trying to decide which of his artfully draped child brides he wants to ignore the most. What a time it must have been to be alive... and a conscious participant in society.



The ladies in this photo don't seem to mind sharing their groovy dude. One wife gets his shoulder, one gets his knee, and one wife is sort of cupping his butt cheek, but seems to be looking up at his elbow, wondering if she can possibly trade up. She's got ambition. I like her spirit.

You'd think Floor Wife would mind being stepped on by Shoulder Wife, but she doesn't seem to mind or even notice. She's only got eyes for the camera. Oooo. Who's Camera Wife? We'll have to wait till the April '69 issue of Esquire to possibly find out.

If you talk to other humans for work (probably) or pleasure (may god forgive you), you probably do it with a computer. If you talk to other humans on a computer, your chitchat service may let you choose a little self-portrait, so your chitchat combatants can see the face whom god may need to forgive. If you can choose a little self-portrait, you may want to add the faces from today's ad to your growing collection of avatars on your storage doohickey of choice. They're all RGB 1000 px square JPEGS, so there's probably not a system on the planet that could object to them... on technical grounds, at least. You're welcome!

Click each to big each.

Freddy Mercury-Reeves, wondering where his mustache might have fallen off.

Shoulder Wife, just happy with the scapula.

Floor Wife, looking like she's wondering about being Camera Wife.


4/22/16

Know Your Orchestra - Vorpal Horn



Original image fount at Shorpy.com, used without permission. We hope they don't mind.

Click for 1600 px.

4/21/16

Up Your Decor - Like, wrist, man!

Hey decorators! I know what you're thinking. "I can't be a decorator! I have poor decision making skills!" Well, I've got a decision you need to make: Don't be such a poop!

Everyone loves animals, and this interesting hallway makes sure that you see an animal staring back at you every time you walk out of your gift wrapped bedroom. "Good morning, Mister Most-of-an-antelope's-head! How are you today?" Every time you open up your pink and orange checkered door, it's like opening up a gift with a piece of a woodland buddy inside! Don't miss the grandfather clock with a strategically small face that makes you climb it just to see what time it is! There's your morning exercise, right there! You can pretend you're shinnying up a tree to escape whatever made your woodland wall-friends!



You'll be thrilled to have the blues in this engaging living room by exciting new interior design up-and-comer Flavia Swumefort. You can luxuriate your evening away, leaning on the rich Corinthian column, or lounging in the rich Corinthian chair. There's even a side table upon which you can place a rich Corinthian object! Neat! You won't mind the hours you'll need to spend here, trying to figure out how to vacuum the walls and ceiling in this little slice of your blue heaven!

"Good afternoon, Mister Bond!... at least I think it's the afternoon! Hahaha!" You won't know what time it is in this cozy dining room with walls covered in decadent black vinyl and chrome flashing. The recessed can lights in the ceiling will give you all the light you want... if that is indeed what you want! The warm invitingness continues with the snake skin chairs and intricate "Three Circles and Two Squares" painting. Your guests will simply be dying to be murdered at your next murder hosting... especially if your friends are snakes! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Ho hum! What a boring room, right? No carpet on the ceiling, and the chairs are merely bright blue, Not a paisley to be seen! The only thing to keep you from killing yourself with boredom is the fab painting that ties the whole thing together! Let's get a load of that art in the next picture!...



Load, gotten! Like, wow! Have you ever seen anything so complexfully simple? The arrows point to the wrist as if to say "Hey, man. Wrist!" Plus, they match the genuine velour ottoman and some kind of Chinese thing on the coffee table! Like, wrist, man!