Lucky Strike Half & Half Tobacco - Your bastard avatar is here.

In a slight breach of procedure, we posted the Old Bastard Whiskey ad from yesterday without also offering a nice thousand-pixel avatar of Old Bastard himself. He'd look pretty good as your profile picture or whatever on your forum, chat service, or social media thing or whatever, right?

He came from this Lucky Strike ad from a 1936 issue of Popular Science. He's way bigger than when we shrunk him down to be the figurehead of Old Bastard Whiskey - plenty of resolution to get a good image. That was nice of him. What a nice bastard he is!

The ad copy reads like they just invented language. No idioms at all. "Cool as the summons 'The boss wants to see you.'" "Your password to pleasure!" It sounds awkward on the one hand, but on the other hand, why embrace cliche and worn-out phraseology? "People who love to say "think outside the box", I'm looking at YOU.

Check out the cool telescoping tin that the tobacco came in! Apparently, it was a chore reaching deep into an emptying tin to get out the last of the tobacco, so they made a can that shrinks as you go. Weird. It looks like it had rolled edges. What's with the "no bite" thing? Ah well. Who knows.

A neat custom can like that would be judged "cost prohibitive" by today's don't-give-a-crap-but-pretend-we-give-a-crap standards. A little common sense would be a great thing to see in package design today.

For example, "easy tear" lunch meat packages whose rip cord completely fails to actually open the bag.

For another example, they should abandon the design of any mayonnaise -type jar that's just tall enough to totally smear the handle of a butter knife as you try to retrieve the last of the mayo from the bottom. That plinkety-plinkety sound is the harbinger of messy fingers.

Anyway, you want your bastard avatar. Hold your horses. Here he is. Thousand by a thousand. Nobody's account settings should find an excuse to choke on a 1k x1k jpeg like this. He sure looks like he's just foreclosed on an orphanage, doesn't he? What a great bastard. You're welcome!

Click for 1000 px.


Old Bastard Whiskey


Up Your Decor - Very Vorbia!

This boy-friendly bedroom from Flotsam House is just perfect for little Frome and Vrint to unwind after a long day of being warehoused at their nearest public school! Frome enjoys the bright, cheery atmosphere provided by the dark colonial furniture set, while that little scamp Vrint gets ready to rumpus around by destroying Frome's hard work and spilling the snacks everywhere! Frome will have his revenge decades from now, when he's an urban planner and Vrint is a carnival worker who keeps asking to borrow money. Screw you, Vrint! The lime green walls are delightfully contrasted by the lime green carpet, and both are accented by the lime green and blue fabrics! Your little Visigoths are sure to have a hard time calling "sack time" with this fun bedroom to sack!

What's for dinner? Bright, airy color! That's what, stupid! Nothing goes with lime green like orange, or, as I like to say, "orange: the other lime green"! Two delightfully intimate alcoves make grilling and washing up feel as private as frying and tidying! The handy hidden pantry keeps all your meal-fixin's within easy reach - everything from Rice-A-Roni to Hamburger Helper! Good thing the cabinets and appliances are the perfect color, because you'll never ever, ever, EVER want to change them!

You know how you always like to watch yourself undress on certain days? Well now you can, every day, with this mostly mirrored bedroom by Eros of Omaha. The bedroom sink's mirror reflects the mirrored wall opposite, so when you slowly bend over to douse your face... "Whoa! Someone's been working out!" Everywhere you look it's just you, you, you. Your various lovers won't know which you to grab first! The bed is elevated on a fourteen inch mirrored plinth, so your ankles can admire themselves. Keep on top of world events with the state-of-the-art info-musement center, featuring an eight inch black and white television that gets up to six channels, medium-fi sound system, ash tray, and two-knob command center! You may never need to leave the bedroom again, except for some kind of health screening!
Well, hello good-lookin! Who are we? That's right! We're me, Vorbia, in my own bedroom, trimmed in green velour and royal blue! That's my cherished husband Glertrom planning our next Pancake party. The walnut woodwork keeps it light and breezy in our voluptuary! Oh Glertom, just invite everyone and come to bed, silly!


The Magic Trick

Joke #1 - One of the many ugly consequences of over-foresting ladies.

Joke #2 - "Build a bridge out of her!"

Joke #3 - Donald Trump, trying to find some way to discourage his supporters.

Joke #4 - Aw jeez. He really oughta be using a hollow-ground blade, or her edges are just gonna fuzz right up, dontchaknow.

Joke #5 - The Amazing Lester was running out of ideas to get his wife out of bed in time for work.

Joke #6 - Hey, if he's not careful, that one support thingy is gonna bonk her right in the chin and be all dangerous and stuff.

Joke #7 - Sheesh. He ain't even usin' a miter saw! It's gettin' so people don't care how they cut their wife in half no more. Craftsmanship, ya know? Darn shame.

Joke #8 - Sid Caesarean section.

First-time commenter posisbly-long-time reader Andrew H. sent us Joke #9. He's right, you know! Thanks, Andrew! - No safety glasses. No blade guard. This isn't magic... it's just plain reckless.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


Kooking Kornir - Insolent Fish Paste Mockery.

Pathetic creatures of Earth! If you are like me, Oteogg, Conquerer of All Space, you are intolerant of insolent subcreatures! I sure know I am like me! These uppity morsels must be put in their place! Their place is in one of your three digestive chambers, deep within your thorax! Hah! This day, we will prepare an insolent fish for mockery and devouring!

Observe this serving suggestion with your eyestalks or be destroyed!!!!

Begin by acquiring a fish of non-specific species! Do not waste my time with your mewlings of "but certain types of fish must be prepared in specific ways, O mighty Oteogg". SILENCE!!! You will also be devoured in due time for your insolence! If I spent all day determining the species of creatures, I would have very little time for the devouring of them! Now you've gone and made me angry!!!!

"Fish" are aquatic creatures commonly found in water! They think they are just sooo clever! Begin your fish search by removing all water from Earth with your ship's forward thermal cannon! Set your thermal cannon's heat setting to "most of it" and treat the planet for approximately nine minutes! Then, after making planetfall, descend from your vessel and select one of the fish that is still thrashing around in the mud, gasping its last! It has spirit! It must be destroyed!!! Return to your ship's galley with the insolent fish!

Place the insolent fish in a medium fish blender! Using the "destroy" setting, reduce the fish to a slurry, and then storm out of the room to let it think about what it has done! Do not be moved by its pleas for mercy! Quickly return to the room in a rage, shouting into the blender "YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN, SUBCREATURE!!!". Then, stab the "eliminate" button on your blender! This will reduce the fish to a Frothy Liquid! Do not forget to put on the lid! You do not want fish insolence sprayed all over your nice, clean galley! Unless that's what you are into, in which case that would be what you do, in fact, want! You do you, baby!!!

The fish is nearly ready for the final humiliation!

Select a fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form from your wall of artfully displayed Nutrient Compression Forms! Slam the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form down on the table next to the blender and shout the following at the blender: "I DID NOT WANT IT TO COME TO THIS, BUT YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!!" Then, laugh with child-like glee!

Pour the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form, in hideous mockery of its previous self! Then shout "SEE? I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT! YOU MADE ME DO IT!!!" Place the Nutrient Compression Form containing the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into your refrigerator overnight to chill, to become gelatinous, and to reflect on its crimes with all gelatinous shame.

The following day, your Insolent Fish Paste Mockery will be ready to serve to your unappreciative crew! They have no idea what you do for them! You work and you slave! All they do in return is cower in insolent terror! As you watch your crew timidly devour the Insolent Fish Paste Mockery, slowly reach for your crew-shaped Nutrient Compression Form!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!!!

Communication ends!


A visit from The Bees.