FORGE/Ltd. line - Exquisitely bored.

Okay, people! Time is money! Let's get this happening happening, you dig?

Don, have the kids got their Davy Jones getups on? Hey, where's Stan's vest? Has anyone got Stan's vest? Huh? He burned a hole in it with his weed? Terrific. He's only been here fifteen minutes. Don, make a note that the cost of the vest will come out of his pay, and take away his pot. Just put it in my car. Julie, run over to the rep from Forge and ask if they've got another vest. And do it like now.

Okay, you three all over here. Snap snap. Pay attention, kids. You all look fab. Truly fab. Well, except for you, Trisha. You're just here as a decoration for Stan's arm. Yeah, black sweater, I know. Hey, your day rate is your day rate. I don't wanna hear it, sweetie. Just try to look bored. I dunno. Really bored. Like, quaalude bored. Figure it out. Here's your stool. Your sitting and bored and you're wearing a black sweater. That's your motivation. Don't talk to me about motivation, sweetie.

Bill, you're in back. Lean on the wall. Well, actually, it's just a plywood flat clamped to a C-stand, so try to just look like you're leaning on it. Okay, that's good, sweetheart. Now, elbow up on Stan's shoulder. Good, good. Yeah, it's called acting, honey. Act like you're comfortable and really bored, like you're waiting for a bus but when it comes you don't care if you fall asleep and you miss it.

Stan, you're sitting on Julie's knee. No, she's fine. Jeez, okay. Well, then just kind of crouch as if you're sitting on her knee. Fist on your hip. That's great, Stan. Try to look down at her like you just noticed she's there and you're not sure where she came from. But bored. Don't forget you're bored! Groovy and bored. Gooooood, good.

Okay, Julie. Just a little more bored. Like, ummm... like you can't believe you took this gig and you're mad at your agent. Now, hold onto Stan's arm as if he might fall over if you don't. Because he probably will, that's why, sweetie.

Okay, you're all disinterested! You're fab and you don't care! Maybe even a little angry. Just a little! Good, good! We're getting good shots here, kids! Looking bored. Reeeally bored! I like. I like. Julie, stare off a little bit, but try not to look like you're thinking about anything. Perfect. Stan, stare at her hair. Yep, you heard me. Like you're not sure where that smell is coming from. Yep, Good.

Okay, that's a wrap, everyone! You're terrific! Don, we won't work with Stan again. You put the weed in the front seat, right? Great. It's a long ride back to the office.


The Sioux Spaceman - Bah bah bah ooo mow mow.


AOTS - Rhesus Monkey Mirror Study.



King's Tropical Inn

Alert reader Mandy sent us a padded envelope trove of stuff last week. She must have broke the bank, because I happen to know that post cards with blank backs are more expensive than ones that are filled in. Apparently, someone back in History was only a post card buyer, but not a sender. And he or she probably ate at King's Tropical Inn. Based on this, we can guess that they also ordered the "Jumbo Squab Dinner", took it home and stuck it in an attic for seventy years or so.

Some things never change. On the front of the card, we meet John G. King, our host, and presumed owner of the restaurant, but the name of the place is spelled "Kings", as if it's just named after a few monarchs. Okay, fine. Moving on....

On the back, it's spelled with a possessive apostrophe, like Johnny King owns the place. So, what have we learned? Ignorance of your mother tongue is not a new invention. But hey! Walter Winchell! Who was he, anyway?

Walter Winchell (April 7, 1897 – February 20, 1972) was an American newspaper and radio gossip commentator, famous for attempting to destroy the careers of people both private and public whom he disliked.

Wow, he sounds like a great guy. Winchell looked like Steve Martin before everyone was doing it. So, was he a prescient Steve Martin impersonator, or was Steve Martin a Walter Winchell impersonator? Never made it without biting. Ask Mister Owl.

This post card is the fold-in-half kind with four pictures on it, so the story doesn't end once you flip it over.

The exterior of King's looked like some kind of casbah, but camel parking was surprisingly prohibited. So was painting lane stripes on the street. Crazy times.

Fake starry sky ceiling. Every table a booth. (Presumably) fake palm trees all over the place. I would totally eat here all the time. If there was a nightly floor show, I would frikkin live there.
So what's at the corner of Washington and Adams in L.A. now? Get ready to be typically disappointed, people!

Strip malls and a few vacant store fronts. I looove L.A. Someplace calls itself "We Are Famous". Maybe they're being edgefully ironic, but if you're actually famous, you don't need to tell everyone you're famous. It seems that this building has, over the intervening decades, found owners with ever more profound levels of confusion regarding the meaning of words.


1965 Cadillac Supercoupe


Henry the Eighth Woos Anne Boleyn with a Sweet Drum Solo


Icky Tales


Aquamarine, by Revlon

Aquamarine, by Revlon. Probably the stuff your grandma wore... and probably way too much of it. I dunno. You can't help but be curious what this stuff smelled like. Was it great or was it like Deep Woods Off? No way to tell, since the internet doesn't have Tele-Smell yet. Note to self: have an intern copyright "Tele-Smell".

This lady's got a hammock made of flowers that would make frikkin Galadriel jealous. Such is life in the delusional bullshit world of ad-land. She sure looks comfy, with her hips rotated ninety degrees from her torso - exactly like you would do, in your most comfortable floral hammock. Mmmm. I like a woman who can dislocate her pelvis at will.

In fact, this lady is so luxurious and stuff, she should be able to enjoy a new life promoting anything. Whatever you want, for instance. If only someone would free her from the servitude of this Revlon ad...

Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE! PKSHOWWW!

Aaah, isn't that better? She's so much more liberated. Sure, her hand looks
a little claw-like, but so would any suddenly empty hand, once it's deprived
of its held object. This version has the original tonality, with the paper
texture in it.
 This one is all smooth and immaculate, if that's what you're into...
You can use Flower Hammock lady to maybe make the flyers for your first springtime cookout of the year, or your next divorce party. You know... anything!

Here's a serving suggestion to get your creativity started. You're welcome!!!


Bike Boners Kill

This critical safety alert was sent in by Alert Reader Dave Pryor, who cautions all of us on proper boner management. Don't become a statistic. My road bike is about thirteen years old now, and I'm starting to look at new models. They sure are pretty. It's always a challenge not to have a total bike boner and overspend on a gorgeous new bike.

Those of us who are less than one hundred years old may need reminding that, at one time, "boner" was an innocent word. If you decide to click on the Dictionary dot com link there, be sure to click the little speaker to make the Dictionary dot com pronunciation robot say "boner". You can practically hear her eyebrows waggle, the way she says it. Naughty girl...


a foolish and obvious blunder; stupid mistake.
1910-15, Americanism; bone(head) + -er1
Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2017.
So, a "boner" is a mistake made by a boneheaded person. That said, try to choose the right time and place to show your bike how much you care. Definitely not the middle of the street. And for chrissakes, watch out for the sprocket, man.


The College of Swedish Massage

Joke #1 - Charles was really going to have to get into a different line of work. He was tired of his friends using quotation fingers every time they talked about what he did for a living.

Joke #2 - "Thank you so much, Doctor... errr... what was it again? Oh yes! Doctor Charles Goingdownonme, expert in Swedish Massage."

Joke #3 - "We'll see you again next Tuesday, Mrs. Weston. In the meantime, try to favor your other mons pubis for a while."

Joke #4 - This was terrific! Charles should have changed his title years ago. Business was much better than when he was "Dr. Charles Festerbrook, Expert in East German Massage".

Joke #5 - "Very well, then, Mrs. Weston, I'll be sure to get in touch with you if I experience that swelling again."

Joke #6 - "Thank you so much, Doctor! My Swedish feels so much better now!"

Joke #7 - This was terrific! Charles should have changed his title years ago. Business was much better than when he was "Dr. Charles Festerbrook, Clumsy Oaf in Swedish Massage".

Joke #8 comes to us from long-time smirker Mr. FancyInnuendoPants_2. Thanks, MFIP! - "Please do try my other bi-lingual services, Miss Mona. I also have expertise in 'French Kissing', the 'Dutch Oven' and I handle my 'German Sausage' quite well indeed..." Dr. Charles stated with much confidence....."I'm sure you do, Dr. Charles..", quipped Miss Mona, "...and please remove your hand from my ass"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]


Spot the Joke! - The Saturday Evening Post

Today we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but man, nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "uncomic".

Both of today's joke challenges come to us from the April 11, 1953 issue of The Saturday Evening Post.

Theory #1 - The father was going to give the glass of water to one of the other children in the room, thirsty from long months hiding behind a dresser. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The boy is confused that his half-orc father couldn't find him in the dark, using his infravision. This is funny.

Theory #3 - In the morning, the father starts a new job as a flight engineer, and he needs to pass a drug test. The boy assumes that his father is holding a glass of water, intended for him, when in reality it is a urine sample.  This is funny.

Theory #1 - The man is unfamiliar with the popular mid-century suburban children's game of "Random Audit", and thinks this is a real audit. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The man is horrified that his son did not offer to take the visitor's coat - a serious breach of good manners. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The child from the IRS wasn't supposed to come for another week, and the man doesn't have his gambling receipts in order yet. This is funny.

Theory #4 - The man is upset that his son has finally met his exact duplicate, and will have awkward questions for him. This is funny.

Theory #5 - The man is startled to hear that his son not only has a job, but also is being audited by the IRS. This is funny.