Italian Line Cruise Ships - No brawling.

The offices of GO! Tower have been mighty quiet lately, with all the staffers off for the holidays. It warms my heart to know that in less than a day our carpet will be another year out of style. I am pleased. Today is Arbitrary Slightly Bigger Year Number Day Eve, or as you probably call it, New Year's Eve. You probably have some kind of plan to hoist a glass or bucket with one or more friends. I wonder what percentage of the world population starts each year with a blood alcohol level of zero? Anyway, I won't. That's for sure. I'm not going into the city to stand in a packed crowd of drunk people that can only move vertically, then to drive home in a 20-mile four wheel power slide and wake up behind the wheel in my own living room, assuming I didn't get into a drunken fight with a stranger and ride home in a cab, ankle deep in several inches of shared vomit. That's for extra sure.

What I will be doing is having a couple of local friends over to drink in my basement bar, The Vista Del Mar lounge. After, I'll wobble upstairs and fall into bed. My guests will have less than a mile to drive home. In all likelihood, I'll face six inches of snow to clear tomorrow morning with a bit of a headache. Ah well.

You know what would interest me, as far as public parties go? A civilized new year's eve event on an Italian Line cruise ship in 1936. See? Civilized!

Apparently, there was a time when going to a party meant wearing a tux and having room to stretch your legs, and being all grand and stuff. Of course, this is an ad, and as such, is a view into a pretend world of fiction and lies.

Still, if you went to a New Year's Eve party on an Italian Line cruise ship way back then, you probably stand almost no chance of being punched, or being called "bro" by a guy with droopy eyelids and spittle at the corner of his mouth... unless you'd broken into the Dowager Empresses state room and stolen her crown jewels. Then there's all those icebergs to dodge, or else face becoming a romantic historical disaster.That's just not cricket.

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Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Obligatory gift tags! At last!

Alert reader Aaron Mahler alertly had this idea: There should be Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Obligatory gift tags, with kooky pictures from our posts of yore. He was completely right. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Squad, SCRAMBLE!

After staying up all night combing the archives, the GBPS handed in this sheet of cheeky obligatory gift tags. If you're a person who has a printer, you can print these out and cut them out (with safety scissors and a parent's supervision, of course) and stick them on your gifts. This will let your family know that A) you've got a printer, and as a result, you can't afford to send your kids to college because you're up to your eyeballs in ink and toner bills, and B) you're all kooky and weird... especially if you use the tags from our Halloween Damnation of Faust post.

Click through the image for the full-size version. You're welcome!


Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds - A momentary departure.

In our first-ever break from our rigid editorial policy, today Phil Are GO! is posting an ad from the back of a CURRENT Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds catalog.

Setting aside the obvious questions of "WTF is an 'heirloom' seed?" and "Why put an ad for your catalog on the back of your catalog?", we focus on the snarling girl at the bottom, who has been bafflingly entrusted by her parents to hold what appears to be a real living human baby... presumably a family member. Mere seconds after this photo was taken, the girl made good on the implicit threat in her hungry snarl and leapt for the photographer's throat. The photographer's throat was never seen again, and is missing, presumed delicious. Lock your doors, lovers of heirloom seeds.

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Ingenious Artist / Baker Creates Custom Pet Cookies!

Hey holiday eaters! Today we're going to take a cue from super clever baker and artist Rockwood Moulton of Larchmont, N.Y. and learn how to make some custom cookies!

Maybe you're saying "But Phil, I'm not an artist! I'm barely even a Modern Dance prodigy! I can't draw a cookie!" Well to that I say "You sure can! Shut the hell up!" Let's learn to cookie-draw with the Rockwood Moulton Method! Just draw what you see, and in no time you'll be wowing your friends and family with some fantabulous holiday cookies that are so lifelike, you'll swear you're eating your real pet! Please use these examples to get you started.
The Rockwood Moulton method works with any pet or real-life object. This, for example, is how you'd draw a cookie for a friend that has a pet horse!
And this is a kitty cookie! See how easy?
Birds can be tricky, with all those feathers, but Rockwood will show us how! See?
Now that you've got the fever, let's try something challenging for all your octopus-fancier friends! Done!
Yep! We're definitely on a roll!
And just to be sure you're ready, here are some suggestions for your custom holiday cookies. You're welcome!

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Heublein Brass Monkey - The funky chimp.

Well, it turns out Brass Monkey (the drink, not the steampunk robot primate) predates the Beastie Boys song by about fifty years, as this 1971 ad for Heublein pre-mixed cocktails claims.

But let's never assume advertising is telling us the truth. A Medium-intensity Google search suggests that the whole WWII story was made up by an ad exec called Steve Doniger. The only corroboration for his exciting tale of espionage that we found was other Heublein ads telling the same story. Uh huh. The Wikipedia article even calls H.E. Rasske an "alleged spy", with no citations at the bottom of the page to lend any truth to the story. So, marketing B.S. it is, apparently.

But, the drink definitely existed as early as 1970-ish. It was made with a bunch of different things, depending who you ask - usually, several types of hard liquor and one or more fruit juices. It sounds like a headache in a glass if you ask me. Too many ingredients.

Back in the summer of this year, I had some girlfriend-related misery and took the edge off every night for about a week with a thing I thought I invented. It was red wine, vodka, and lemon juice and I called it "Vino Mio Dio". The edge was definitely taken off of me, but getting up the following day could prove a challenge when riding the red pony, as it were. Fortunately, after a week of mental assistance from Vino Mio Dio, I pronounced myself better "less distraught" enough to knock off the flirtation with cirrhosis. Down that road, madness lay.

So anyway, Bras Monkey recipe, coming up. I'll trust Drinks Mixer dot com for what I'll assume is a definitive recipe.

1/2 oz rum
1/2 oz vodka
4 oz orange juice.
Stir the hard stuff together first, and then pour in the OJ. Shake, and pour over ice in a highball glass.
Throw in a couple of cherries if you want to be like the ad.

If you own a cocktail shaker, you're probably not making your drinks in your locker, as the song's lyrics suggest. You're more likely a grownup with a job and a place of your own. So, here's the swankier Richard Cheese version of the song to play us out to the end credits.

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Little Ads - Song of the wooly bomb hoist.

Raise highly profitable Angora Rabbits backyard easy way. Also see other ad, Learn not use definite indefinite articles. Talk heap faster. Make ad cheap. You talkem heap much like racist stereotype. Puzzle friend, relative. Send today. Also also see other ad, draw rabbit no limb. Feet just nub. Save heap big on ink, pencil. Draw fast. Sentence not make easy read. Much laugh. Delay gratification. Amuse reader sixty year in future.

BOMB HOIST. Ideal for garages (full of  messy, unsorted bombs). Hoist your bombs. Let no bomb go unhoisted! Bomb hoists completely unconnected to Great Tacoma Hoist Explosion of 1950.

Accordion may result in cervical kyphosis. If your neck curvature persists for more than four hours, discontinue use of accordion and seek the assistance of a licensed accordionist, who may prescribe banjo to counteract accordion-associated neck curvature. When neck is once again straight, discontinue banjo therapy or risk over-correction. If counter-curvature, or "banjo neck" results, apply accordion until neck reaches desired degree of straightness.

NEW! MINIATURE DUST MASK Protects against dusts, lint, coal, cement, grain dust. Indirectly prevents pregnancy. Also filters out dignity, pride, will to live, most feelings of positive self-worth. Order today.


Primordial Christmas cards 2013 - Get 'em while they're old!

Today, the Phil Are GO! garage Sale And Antique Store Assault Force is proud to bring to your attention some super old Christmas cards from the early 1900s. That's like someone digging up the holiday card you sent out yesterday with the velvet flocked poinsettia on it in the year 2119 and somehow paying $300 for it, so that some weirdo can have the pleasure of showing it to an audience spread throughout the galaxy that values it for it's old world charm. Time is freaky, people. Don't let anyone tell you different... even if it's me, and it's a scary cyborg version of myself that's more machine than man. Actually, if you find yourself having a conversation with my cyber-robo-self, then no matter what it's saying to you, the very situation would pretty much be proving my statement.

Anyway, each of these is posted at 2000 pixels in the longest dimension. Click through each for a right-clickable large version. Do with them as you wish. I recommend using them to make your own Christmas cards, with some light Photoshoppery to fix the nearly illegible text and stuff like that. Or, save your self all expense and send it out as an E-card by the end of the day. Science!!!!

The back of this card is completely obscured with glue and brown paper from
whatever scrap book it was torn from. So, the date and any other information
is completely ruined. But, if it's like the others, it's from nineteen-oh-something.

This card is postmarked 1909 and was sent to Miss Evelyn Mueller of Afton, Wisconsin. "Suppose (obscured) is just
loaded down for you. Your cousin, Stella."

In 1911, Mr and Mrs. L. Severus (Snape?) wished Mr. Jacob Blume in Chicago a merry Christmas. "Anne, tell Mrs. Adler
I can't go Tues. to theatre, but you'se all come and see our tree. A Happy birthday & A merry Christmas."


The Mechanic

Joke #1 - "Ah! It's like I thought. Your truck ain't got vapor lock. It's got demons. Jasper, your wife hasn't been voting democratic, has she?

Joke #2 - Toby was always surprised to look under Old Man Jasper's truck. It was amazing how much Jasper was able to accomplish with his banjo-string-and-corncob-based system of repair.

Joke #3 - "Hey! You're just givin' her a chassis lube, right? I don't want her to git no 'elective family planning consultation!'"

Joke #4 comes to us from Anonymous. Thanks, Anon! - So. THAT'S where Waldo was...too bad about the mess.
MisterFancyHotBalls_2 sent us joke #5. Well joked, MFHB2. - Jimmy & Cowboy Dan liked to mosey down to the garage & watch Carl & his Siamese back twin "Not-Carl" work on the old cars -'Course "Not Carl" hated it when Dan called him "Ol' Muto". That meant Jimmy wasn't gonna git a nice cold bottle a grape Nehi. That Dan could sure use some learnin' him some politeness.

Fil sends in Joke #6, after a long absence. - Set on further proving the strength of his hat's bill, Carl prepared to add a dish heater and ladder to the oak door and 2-door sedan the bill was already supporting. Looking on, the town skeptics remained dubious.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]


Pointy Tree Day gift shopping assist. You're welcome!

If you have somebody on your Pointy Tree Day Obligatory Gift list that likes the kind of stuff we do here, the P.A.G! Consumer Action Team have pulled together this list of gift recommendos. You can get them all from Amazon, of course, unless you have a death wish and are eager to leap into the Retail Holiday Meelee. God only knows why, but if that is your choice, enjoy driving from overcrowded store to overcrowded store on the off chance they actually have what you're looking for. I hope you rolled a good initiative check. You'll need it.

Popular Mechanics The Wonderful Future that Never Was: Flying Cars, Mail Delivery by Parachute, and Other Predictions from the Past

I used to subscribe to Popular Science, until I became aware that their cover stories were, a vast majority of the time, overly optimistic made-up bull shit. There's a reason their cover art is still "artists conceptions". As an example, I first read aout OLED (Organic Light Emitting Diode) televisions back in 2004-ish. It was a short blurb explaining that someone had built a functioning OLED TV in a lab, and that they were more efficient and brighter than LED's and best of all, they could be manufactured on a device like an inkjet printer at a fraction of the cost of current TVs. Fast forward ten years and we have OLED displays on about half of our cell phones, and they're not especially cheap. Pop Sci is a reliable disappointment... today. But looking back on the crazy stuff Pop Mech (their sister publication) thought we'd "soon" have is hilarious. For less than $20, you can get this for the propellerhead on your list with a strong sense of irony.

I do not personally own this book, but I need to. It's a recommendation made (I'm pretty sure. Apologies if I'm wrong) by Alert reader Steve Miller. It's a luscious history of car ads, with dissection of tricks and techniques still used today to put butts in seats made of rich Corinthian leather. Know your enemy.

Italian composer Gerardo Frisina is not "from the past". He's still alive and actually pretty young. However, the influences of his afro-cuban-bossa jazz are pretty obvious. If you like the swanky sounds of the Sixties but are tired of your friends complaining that you only listen to old stuff, buy Hi Note and invite them to sit and spin. Oh yeah, this is supposed to be a gift. Well, go back a few sentences and change all the "you"'s to "someone on your list"'s.

All that stuff I just said about Gerardo Frisina? Same with Rosalia De Souza. She's from Brasil, where they invented Bossa Nova and no one ever wears pants. She sings in Portuguese, which may be a problem for people who need to follow the literal meaning of the song, but I don't need to know the lyrics to know what she means. Help someone on your list do the No Pants Dance.

You know how all computers kind of look alike today? They didn't use to. back when we were still figuring out what we could do and wanted to do with computers, every builder kind of started designing from scratch, and they were really excited to be building The Future. Every machine was pretty distinct and had personality. Core Memory is a kind of art book about computer hardware. Not for everyone, but for those it's for, it's super for them.


PAG! Pointy Tree Day Card - Last call!

Okay, citizens, this is the last call for Pointy Tree Day / Seasonal Obligation Cards. They'll be going out next week, so send us an address or your Pointy Tree Day Stocking will be empty, smelling only of a foot and NOT of a postcard!

So, get yours while they're free... and existing!

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt. 9 - Stopping: The Opposite of Not Stopping.

As near as Modern Driving Statistics can tell us, every single person in history was killed due to an un-stopped auto-car. Won't you like to be the first to be killed by something else, like International Communism, or perhaps bees? Choose how you want to die. Learn to stop!

Where's the kinetic energy stored? Here in the gas tank?

Stopping is all about dissipating Kinetic Energy, or "witchcraft". A moving vehicle has Kinetic Energy, which is equal to the mass of the vehicle times velocity, divided by the number of obstacles there are to hit, multiplied by green. Don't forget to carry the one. If you can recalculate this equation at all times while driving, you will always know exactly how to stop, in case of motion.

As shown in Fig. 119, kinetic energy is best dissipated by hitting obstacles.

In case of an ordinary stop, try driving into a hedge, bush, or lesser bramble, as shown in A. This will bring your auto-car to a stop in a relatively long distance, but with minimal damage. In case of emergency, consider doing a "panic stop", by finding a nice solid school bus to shorten your stopping distance dramatically. Be careful. Some school buses may actually be filled with shrubbery. This may confuse you. In case of confusion, quick confusion is important. Just try to hit anything you can find.

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Munsingwear - Boring old underwear ad.

Man. 1960 sure was square. They couldn't even find a way to make underwear ads sexy. Not like today, with our various secrets models and subtle dirtyness, here in The Future. 1960 needs to loosen up.

Munsingwear seems to be really proud of their T-shirts. Apparently the collar would never stretch out of shape, no matter how hard you pulled it, or how often. They even invited you to include your wife (or mistress) in the yank party.

That guy is so smug. he seems confident that his collar will never get floppy or shrivel up. But it's not like he worked on the development team for Munsingwear, right? What's he got to be so proud of? Is the tidyness of his collar somehow a reflection on his masculinity? It's advertising, so of course everything is a veiled reflection on your sexuality. Even an ordinary pull test.



Fram Oil Filters - Filter are GO!

You know how women get really excited about engine maintenance? Me neither. If you know a lady who looks like this one and gets this jazzed about taking care of a car, marry the hell out of her. Just to be safe, marry her a couple of times, in case one of them doesn't take.

Apparently this man, who married his daughter, liked to make a date out of engine maintenance. And apparently, it works on her. Look at how thrilled she is. She's a keeper, and Mister Mooney knows this, because she's wearing a wedding ring, as you can see. I don't quite get the joke in this ad. She's cranked about the new filter and he's horrified that his engine was so full of filth? Maybe she's excited because the new filter if shiny and red and it feels like shopping? Maybe she's just happy because her husband-father is miserable? Love and marriage.

Anyhoo, this irrationally cheerful woman would be a fine addition to your clip art arsenal. We are proud to present her to you as an archival-quality PNG Graphic Gift on a transparent background that you and your family are sure to treasure for generations to come. She can brighten up just about anything, I'd imagine. An educational pamphlet, for example. You're welcome!

She can certainly make GETTING herpes seem fun. Meow. Naughty kitty!

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